Nonsense Songs,
Stories, Botany, and Alphabets.
By Edward Lear.
![Nonsense Songs, Stories, Botany and Alphabets]()
With One Hundred and Fifty Illustrations.
1894
Originally published 1871.
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![The Duck and the Kangaroo]()
THE DUCK AND THE KANGAROO.
I.
Said the Duck to the
Kangaroo,
"Good gracious! how you hop
Over the fields, and the water too,
As if you never would stop!
My life is a bore in this nasty pond;
And I long to go out in the world beyond:
I wish I could hop like
you," Said the Duck to the
Kangaroo.
II.
"Please give me a ride on your back,"
Said the Duck to the
Kangaroo: "I would sit quite still, and say
nothing but 'Quack'
The whole of the long day
through; And we 'd
go the Dee, and the Jelly Bo Lee,
Over the land, and over the sea:
Please take me a ride! oh,
do!" Said the Duck to the
Kangaroo.
![The Duck and the Kangaroo]()
III.
Said the Kangaroo to the Duck,
"This requires some little
reflection. Perhaps, on the whole, it might
bring me luck;
And there seems but one
objection; Which is, if you'll let me speak
so bold,
Your feet are unpleasantly wet and cold,
And would probably give me the
roo- Matiz," said the
Kangaroo.
IV.
Said the Duck, "As I sate on the rocks,
I have thought over that
completely; And I bought four pairs of
worsted socks,
Which fit my web-feet
neatly; And, to keep out the cold, I've
bought a cloak;
And every day a cigar I'll smoke;
All to follow my own dear
true Love of a
Kangaroo."
V.
Said the Kangaroo, "I'm ready,
All in the moonlight pale;
But to balance me well, dear Duck, sit
steady,
And quite at the end of my
tail."
![The Duck and the Kangaroo]()
So away they went with a hop and a
bound;
And they hopped the whole world three times
round.
And who so happy, oh! who,
As the Duck and the
Kangaroo?
![The Duck and the Kangaroo]()
![The Daddy Long-legs and the Fly]()
THE DADDY LONG-LEGS AND THE FLY.
I.
Once Mr. Daddy
Long-legs,
Dressed in brown and gray,
Walked about upon the sands
Upon a summer's day: And
there among the pebbles,
When the wind was rather
cold, He met with Mr. Floppy Fly,
All dressed in blue and
gold; And, as it was too soon to dine,
They drank some periwinkle-wine,
And played an hour or two, or more,
At battlecock and shuttledore.
II.
Said Mr. Daddy Long-legs
To Mr. Floppy Fly, "Why do
you never come to court?
I wish you 'd tell me why.
All gold and shine, in dress so fine,
You'd quite delight the
court. Why do you never go at all?
I really think you
ought. And, if you went, you'd see
such sights!
Such rugs and jugs and candle-lights!
And, more than all, the king and queen,—
One in red, and one in green."
III.
"O Mr. Daddy Long-legs!"
Said Mr. Floppy Fly, "It's
true I never go to court;
And I will tell you why. If
I had six long legs like yours,
At once I'd go to court;
But, oh! I can't, because my legs
Are so extremely short. And
I'm afraid the king and queen
(One in red, and one in green)
Would say aloud, 'You are not fit,
You Fly, to come to court a bit!'"
IV.
"Oh, Mr. Daddy Long-legs!"
Said Mr. Floppy Fly,
"I wish you 'd sing one little
song,
One mumbian melody. You
used to sing so awful well
In former days gone by; But
now you never sing at all:
I wish you'd tell me why:
For, if you would, the silvery sound
Would please the shrimps and cockles round,
And all the crabs would gladly come
To hear you sing, 'Ah, Hum di Hum!'"
V.
Said Mr. Daddy Long-legs,
"I can never sing again;
And, if you wish, I'll tell you why,
Although it gives me pain.
For years I cannot hum a bit,
Or sing the smallest song;
And this the dreadful reason is,—
My legs are grown too long!
My six long legs, all here and there,
Oppress my bosom with despair;
And, if I stand or lie or sit,
I cannot sing one single bit!"
VI.
So Mr. Daddy Long-legs
And Mr. Floppy Fly Sat down
in silence by the sea,
And gazed upon the sky.
They said, "This is a dreadful thing!
The world has all gone
wrong, Since one has legs
too short by half,
The other much too long.
One never more can go to court,
Because his legs have grown too short;
The other cannot sing a song,
Because his legs have grown too long!"
VII.
Then Mr. Daddy Long-legs
And Mr. Floppy Fly Rushed
downward to the foamy sea
With one sponge-taneous
cry: And there they found a little
boat,
Whose sails were pink and
gray; And off they sailed among the
waves,
Far and far away: They
sailed across the silent main,
And reached the great Gromboolian Plain;
And there they play forevermore
At battlecock and shuttledore.
![The Daddy Long-legs and the Fly]()
![The Jumblies]()
THE JUMBLIES.
I.
They went to sea in a
sieve, they did;
In a sieve they went to
sea: In spite of all their friends could
say,
On a winter's morn, on a stormy day,
In a sieve they went to
sea. And when the sieve turned round and
round,
And every one cried, "You'll all be drowned!"
They called aloud, "Our sieve ain't big;
But we don't care a button, we don't care a
fig:
In a sieve we'll go to
sea!" Far and few, far and
few, Are the lands where
the Jumblies live: Their
heads are green, and their hands are blue
And they went to sea in a
sieve.
II.
They sailed away in a sieve, they did,
In a sieve they sailed so
fast, With only a beautiful pea-green
veil
Tied with a ribbon, by way of a sail,
To a small tobacco-pipe
mast. And every one said who saw them
go,
"Oh! won't they be soon upset, you know?
For the sky is dark, and the voyage is long;
And, happen what may, it's extremely wrong
In a sieve to sail so
fast." Far and few, far and
few, Are the lands where
the Jumblies live: Their
heads are green, and their hands are blue;
And they went to sea in a
sieve.
III.
The water it soon came in, it did;
The water it soon came in:
So, to keep them dry, they wrapped their feet
In a pinky paper all folded neat;
And they fastened it down with a
pin. And they passed the night in a
crockery-jar;
And each of them said, "How wise we are!
Though the sky be dark, and the voyage be
long,
Yet we never can think we were rash or wrong,
While round in our sieve we
spin." Far and few, far and
few, Are the lands where
the Jumblies live: Their
heads are green, and their hands are blue;
And they went to sea in a
sieve.
IV.
And all night long they sailed away;
And when the sun went down,
They whistled and warbled a moony song
To the echoing sound of a coppery gong,
In the shade of the mountains
brown. "O Timballoo! How happy we are
When we live in a sieve and a crockery-jar!
And all night long, in the moonlight pale,
We sail away with a pea-green sail
In the shade of the mountains
brown." Far and few, far
and few, Are the lands
where the Jumblies live: Their heads are green, and their hands are
blue; And they went to sea
in a sieve.
V.
They sailed to the Western Sea, they did,—
To a land all covered with
trees: And they bought an owl, and a useful
cart,
And a pound of rice, and a cranberry-tart,
And a hive of silvery bees;
And they bought a pig, and some green
jackdaws,
And a lovely monkey with lollipop paws,
And forty bottles of ring-bo-ree,
And no end of Stilton
cheese. Far and few, far
and few, Are the lands
where the Jumblies live: Their heads are green, and their hands are
blue; And they went to sea
in a sieve.
VI.
And in twenty years they all came back,—
In twenty years or more;
And every one said, "How tall they've grown!
For they've been to the Lakes, and the Torrible
Zone,
And the hills of the Chankly
Bore." And they drank their health, and gave
them a feast
Of dumplings made of beautiful yeast;
And every one said, "If we only live,
We, too, will go to sea in a sieve,
To the hills of the Chankly
Bore." Far and few, far and
few, Are the lands where
the Jumblies live: Their
heads are green, and their hands are blue;
And they went to sea in a
sieve.
![The Nutcrackers and the Sugar-tongs]()
THE NUTCRACKERS AND THE SUGAR-TONGS.
I.
The Nutcrackers sate
by a plate on the table;
The Sugar-tongs sate by a plate at
his side; And the Nutcrackers said, "Don't
you wish we were able
Along the blue hills and green
meadows to ride? Must we drag on this stupid
existence forever,
So idle and weary, so full of
remorse, While every one else takes his
pleasure, and never
Seems happy unless he is riding a
horse?
II.
"Don't you think we could ride without being
instructed,
Without any saddle or bridle or
spur? Our legs are so long, and so aptly
constructed,
I'm sure that an accident could
not occur. Let us all of a sudden hop down
from the table,
And hustle downstairs, and each
jump on a horse! Shall we try? Shall we go?
Do you think we are able?"
The Sugar-tongs answered
distinctly, "Of course!"
III.
So down the long staircase they hopped in a
minute;
The Sugar-tongs snapped, and the
Crackers said "Crack!" The stable was open;
the horses were in it:
Each took out a pony, and jumped
on his back. The Cat in a fright scrambled
out of the doorway;
The Mice tumbled out of a bundle
of hay; The brown and white Rats, and the
black ones from Norway,
Screamed out, "They are taking the
horses away!"
IV.
The whole of the household was filled with
amazement:
The Cups and the Saucers danced
madly about; The Plates and the Dishes
looked out of the casement;
The Salt-cellar stood on his head
with a shout; The Spoons, with a clatter,
looked out of the lattice;
The Mustard-pot climbed up the
gooseberry-pies; The Soup-ladle peeped
through a heap of veal-patties,
And squeaked with a ladle-like
scream of surprise.
V.
The Frying-pan said, "It's an awful
delusion!"
The Tea-kettle hissed, and grew
black in the face; And they all rushed
downstairs in the wildest confusion
To see the great
Nutcracker-Sugar-tong race. And out of the
stable, with screamings and laughter
(Their ponies were cream-colored,
speckled with brown), The Nutcrackers first,
and the Sugar-tongs after;
Rode all round the yard, and then
all round the town.
VI.
They rode through the street, and they rode by the
station;
They galloped away to the
beautiful shore; In silence they rode, and
"made no observation,"
Save this: "We will never go back
any more!" And still you might hear, till
they rode out of hearing,
The Sugar-tongs snap, and the
Crackers say "Crack!" Till, far in the
distance their forms disappearing,
They faded away; and they never
came back!
CALICO PIE.
![Calico Pie]()
I.
Calico pie, The little birds fly Down to the calico-tree: Their wings
were blue,
And they sang "Tilly-loo!"
Till away they flew;
And they never came back to
me! They never came
back, They never came
back, They never came back
to me!
II.
Calico jam, The little Fish swam Over the Syllabub
Sea.
He took off his hat
To the Sole and the Sprat,
And the Willeby-wat:
![Calico Pie]()
But he never came back to me;
He never came back,
He never came back, He
never came back to me.
III.
Calico ban, The little Mice ran To be ready in time
for tea;
Flippity flup, They drank it all up, And danced in the cup: But they never came back to me;
They never came back,
They never came back, They
never came back to me
![Calico Pie]()
IV.
Calico drum, The Grasshoppers come, The Butterfly,
Beetle, and Bee,
Over the ground,
Around and round,
With a hop and a bound;
![Calico Pie]()
But they never came back,
They never came back,
They never came back. They
never came back to me.
![Mr. and Mrs. Spikky Sparrow]()
MR. AND MRS. SPIKKY SPARROW.
I.
On a little piece of
wood
Mr. Spikky Sparrow stood:
Mrs. Sparrow sate close by,
A-making of an insect-pie
For her little children five,
In the nest and all alive;
Singing with a cheerful smile,
To amuse them all the while,
"Twikky wikky wikky wee,
Wikky bikky twikky tee,
Spikky bikky bee!"
II.
Mrs. Spikky Sparrow said,
"Spikky, darling! in my head
Many thoughts of trouble come,
Like to flies upon a plum.
All last night, among the trees,
I heard you cough, I heard you sneeze;
And thought I, 'It's come to
that
Because he does not wear a hat!'
Chippy wippy sikky tee,
Bikky wikky tikky mee,
Spikky chippy wee!
III.
"Not that you are growing old;
But the nights are growing cold.
No one stays out all night long
Without a hat: I'm sure it's wrong!"
Mr. Spikky said, "How kind,
Dear, you are, to speak your mind!
All your life I wish you luck!
You are, you are, a lovely duck!
Witchy witchy witchy wee,
Twitchy witchy witchy bee,
Tikky tikky tee!
IV.
"I was also sad, and thinking,
When one day I saw you winking,
And I heard you sniffle-snuffle,
And I saw your feathers ruffle:
To myself I sadly said,
'She's neuralgia in her head!
That dear head has nothing on it!
Ought she not to wear a bonnet?'
Witchy kitchy kitchy wee,
Spikky wikky mikky bee,
Chippy wippy chee!
V.
"Let us both fly up to town:
There I'll buy you such a gown!
Which, completely in the fashion,
You shall tie a sky-blue sash on;
And a pair of slippers neat
To fit your darling little feet,
So that you will look and feel
Quite galloobious and genteel.
Jikky wikky bikky see,
Chicky bikky wikky bee,
Twicky witchy wee!"
VI.
So they both to London went,
Alighting on the Monument;
Whence they flew down swiftly—pop!
Into Moses' wholesale shop:
There they bought a hat and bonnet,
And a gown with spots upon it,
A satin sash of Cloxam blue,
And a pair of slippers too.
Zikky wikky mikky bee,
Witchy witchy mitchy kee,
Sikky tikky wee!
VII.
Then, when so completely dressed,
Back they flew, and reached their nest.
Their children cried, "O ma and pa!
How truly beautiful you are!"
Said they, "We trust that cold or
pain
We shall never feel again;
While, perched on tree or house or steeple,
We now shall look like other people.
Witchy witchy witchy wee,
Twikky mikky bikky bee,
Zikky sikky tee!"
![Mr. and Mrs. Spikky Sparrow]()
![The Broom, the Shovel, the Poker, and the Tongs.]()
THE BROOM, THE SHOVEL, THE POKER, AND THE TONGS.
I.
The Broom and the
Shovel, the Poker and Tongs,
They all took a drive in the
Park; And they each sang a song,
ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong!
Before they went back in the
dark. Mr. Poker he sate quite upright in the
coach;
Mr. Tongs made a clatter and
clash; Miss Shovel was dressed all in black
(with a brooch);
Mrs. Broom was in blue (with a
sash). Ding-a-dong,
ding-a-dong! And they all
sang a song.
II.
"O Shovely so lovely!" the Poker he sang,
"You have perfectly conquered my
heart. Ding-a-dong,
ding-a-dong! If you're pleased with my song,
I will feed you with cold
apple-tart. When you scrape up the coals
with a delicate sound,
You enrapture my life with
delight, Your nose is so shiny, your head is
so round,
And your shape is so slender and
bright! Ding-a-dong,
ding-a-dong! Ain't you
pleased with my song?"
III.
"Alas! Mrs. Broom," sighed the Tongs in his
song,
"Oh! is it because I'm so
thin, And my legs are so long,—ding-a-dong,
ding-a-dong!—
That you don't care about me a
pin? Ah! fairest of creatures, when sweeping
the room,
Ah! why don't you heed my
complaint? Must you needs be so cruel, you
beautiful Broom,
Because you are covered with
paint? Ding-a-dong,
ding-a-dong! You are
certainly wrong."
IV.
Mrs. Broom and Miss Shovel together they
sang,
"What nonsense you're singing
to-day!" Said the Shovel, "I'll certainly
hit you a bang!"
Said the Broom, "And I'll sweep
you away!" So the coachman drove homeward as
fast as he could,
Perceiving their anger with
pain; But they put on the
kettle, and little by little
They all became happy
again. Ding-a-dong,
ding-a-dong! There's an end
of my song. ![The Broom, the Shovel, the Poker, and the Tongs.]()
![The Table and the Chair]()
THE TABLE AND THE CHAIR.
I.
Said the Table to the
Chair,
"You can hardly be aware
How I suffer from the heat
And from chilblains on my feet.
If we took a little walk,
We might have a little talk;
Pray let us take the air,"
Said the Table to the Chair.
II.
Said the Chair unto the Table,
"Now, you know we are not able:
How foolishly you talk,
When you know we cannot walk!"
Said the Table with a sigh,
"It can do no harm to try.
I've as many legs as you:
Why can't we walk on two?"
III.
So they both went slowly down,
And walked about the town
With a cheerful bumpy sound
As they toddled round and round;
And everybody cried,
As they hastened to their side,
"See! the Table and the Chair
Have come out to take the air!"
IV.
But in going down an alley,
To a castle in a valley,
They completely lost their way,
And wandered all the day;
Till, to see them safely back,
They paid a Ducky-quack,
And a Beetle, and a Mouse,
Who took them to their house.
![The Table and the Chair]()
V.
Then they whispered to each other,
"O delightful little brother,
What a lovely walk we've taken!
Let us dine on beans and bacon."
So the Ducky and the leetle
Browny-Mousy and the Beetle
Dined, and danced upon their heads
Till they toddled to their beds.
![The Table and the Chair]()
NONSENSE STORIES.
![The Story of the Four Little Children who Went Round the World.]()
For the first ten days they sailed on beautifully,
and found plenty to eat, as there were lots of
fish; and they had only to take them out of the sea
with a long spoon, when the Quangle-Wangle
instantly cooked them; and the Pussy-Cat was fed
with the bones, with which she expressed herself
pleased, on the whole: so that all the party were
very happy.
![The Story of the Four Little Children who Went Round the World.]()
During the daytime, Violet chiefly occupied herself
in putting salt water into a churn; while her three
brothers churned it violently, in the hope that it
would turn into butter, which it seldom if ever
did; and in the evening they all retired into the
tea-kettle, where they all managed to sleep very
comfortably, while Pussy and the Quangle-Wangle
managed the boat.
![The Story of the Four Little Children who Went Round the World.]()
After a time, they saw some land at a distance;
and, when they came to it, they found it was an
island made of water quite surrounded by earth.
Besides that, it was bordered by evanescent
isthmuses, with a great gulf-stream running about
all over it; so that it was perfectly beautiful,
and contained only a single tree, 503 feet high.
![The Story of the Four Little Children who Went Round the World.]()
When they had landed, they walked about, but found,
to their great surprise, that the island was quite
full of veal-cutlets and chocolate-drops, and
nothing else. So they all climbed up the single
high tree to discover, if possible, if there were
any people; but having remained on the top of the
tree for a week, and not seeing anybody, they
naturally concluded that there were no inhabitants;
and accordingly, when they came down, they loaded
the boat with two thousand
veal-cutlets and a million of chocolate-drops; and
these afforded them sustenance for more than a
month, during which time they pursued their voyage
with the utmost delight and apathy.
![The Story of the Four Little Children who Went Round the World.]()
After this they came to a shore where there were no
less than sixty-five great red parrots with blue
tails, sitting on a rail all of a row, and all fast
asleep. And I am sorry to say that the Pussy-Cat
and the Quangle-Wangle crept softly, and bit off
the tail-feathers of all the sixty-five parrots;
for which Violet reproved them both severely.
Notwithstanding which, she proceeded to insert all
the feathers—two hundred and sixty in number—in her
bonnet; thereby causing it to have a lovely and
glittering appearance, highly prepossessing and
efficacious.
![The Story of the Four Little Children who Went Round the World.]()
The next thing that happened to them was in a
narrow part of the sea, which was so entirely full
of fishes that the boat could go on no farther: so
they remained there about six weeks, till they had
eaten nearly all the fishes, which were soles, and
all ready-cooked, and covered with shrimp-sauce, so
that there was no trouble whatever.
And as the few fishes who remained uneaten
complained of the cold, as well as of the
difficulty they had in getting any sleep on account
of the extreme noise made by the arctic bears and
the tropical turnspits, which frequented the
neighborhood in great numbers, Violet most amiably
knitted a small woollen frock for several of
the fishes, and Slingsby
administered some opium-drops to them; through
which kindness they became quite warm, and slept
soundly.
![The Story of the Four Little Children who Went Round the World.]()
Then they came to a country which was wholly
covered with immense orange-trees of a vast size,
and quite full of fruit. So they all landed, taking
with them the tea-kettle, intending to gather some
of the oranges, and place them in it. But, while
they were busy about this, a most dreadfully high
wind rose, and blew out most of the parrot-tail
feathers from Violet's bonnet. That, however, was
nothing compared with the calamity of the oranges
falling down on their heads by millions and
millions, which thumped and bumped and bumped and thumped them all so
seriously, that they were obliged to run as hard as
they could for their lives; besides that the sound
of the oranges rattling on the tea-kettle was of
the most fearful and amazing nature.
![The Story of the Four Little Children who Went Round the World.]()
Nevertheless, they got safely to the boat, although
considerably vexed and hurt; and the
Quangle-Wangle's right foot was so knocked about,
that he had to sit with his head in his slipper for
at least a week.
![The Story of the Four Little Children who Went Round the World.]()
This event made them all for a time rather
melancholy: and perhaps they might never have
become less so, had not Lionel, with a most
praiseworthy devotion and perseverance, continued
to stand on one leg,
and whistle to them in a loud and lively manner;
which diverted the whole party so extremely that
they gradually recovered their spirits, and agreed
that whenever they should reach home, they would
subscribe towards a testimonial to Lionel, entirely
made of gingerbread and raspberries, as an earnest
token of their sincere and grateful infection.
![The Story of the Four Little Children who Went Round the World.]()
After sailing on calmly for
several more days, they came to another country,
where they were much pleased and surprised to see a
countless multitude of white Mice with red eyes,
all sitting in a great circle, slowly eating
custard-pudding with the most satisfactory and
polite demeanor.
![The Story of the Four Little Children who Went Round the World.]()
And as the four travellers were rather hungry,
being tired of eating nothing but soles and oranges
for so long a period, they held a council as to the
propriety of asking the Mice for some of their
pudding in a humble and affecting manner, by which
they could hardly be otherwise than gratified. It
was agreed, therefore, that Guy should go and ask
the Mice, which he immediately did; and the result
was, that they gave a walnut-shell only half full
of custard diluted with water. Now, this displeased
Guy, who said, "Out of such a lot of pudding as you
have got, I must say, you might have spared a
somewhat larger quantity." But no sooner had he
finished speaking than the Mice turned round at
once, and sneezed at him in an appalling and
vindictive manner (and it is impossible to imagine
a more scroobious and unpleasant sound than that
caused by the simultaneous
sneezing of many millions of angry Mice); so that
Guy rushed back to the boat, having first shied his
cap into the middle of the custard-pudding, by
which means he completely spoiled the Mice's
dinner.
![The Story of the Four Little Children who Went Round the World.]()
By and by the four children came to a country where
there were no houses, but only an incredibly
innumerable number of large bottles without corks,
and of a dazzling and sweetly susceptible blue
color. Each of these blue bottles contained a
Blue-Bottle-Fly; and all these interesting animals
live continually together in the most copious and
rural harmony: nor perhaps in many parts of the
world is such perfect and abject happiness to be
found. Violet and Slingsby and Guy and Lionel were
greatly struck with this singular and instructive
settlement; and, having previously asked permission
of the Blue-Bottle-Flies (which was most
courteously granted), the boat was drawn up to the
shore, and they proceeded to make tea in front of
the bottles: but as they had no tea-leaves, they
merely placed some pebbles in the hot water; and
the Quangle-Wangle played some tunes over it on an
accordion, by which, of course, tea was made
directly, and of the very best quality.
![The Story of the Four Little Children who Went Round the World.]()
The four children then entered into conversation
with the Blue-Bottle-Flies, who discoursed in a
placid and genteel manner, though with a slightly buzzing accent, chiefly
owing to the fact that they each held a small
clothes-brush between their teeth, which naturally
occasioned a fizzy, extraneous utterance.
"Why," said Violet, "would you kindly inform us, do
you reside in bottles; and, if in bottles at all,
why not, rather, in green or purple, or, indeed, in
yellow bottles?"
To which questions a very aged Blue-Bottle-Fly
answered, "We found the bottles here all ready to
live in; that is to say, our
great-great-great-great-great-grandfathers did: so
we occupied them at once. And, when the winter
comes on, we turn the bottles upside down, and
consequently rarely feel the cold at all; and you
know very well that this could not be the case with
bottles of any other color than blue."
"Of course it could not," said Slingsby. "But, if
we may take the liberty of inquiring, on what do
you chiefly subsist?"
"Mainly on oyster-patties," said the
Blue-Bottle-Fly; "and, when these are scarce, on
raspberry vinegar and Russian leather boiled down
to a jelly."
"How delicious!" said Guy.
To which Lionel added, "Huzz!" And all the
Blue-Bottle-Flies said, "Buzz!"
At this time, an elderly Fly said it was the hour
for the evening-song to be sung; and, on a signal
being given, all the Blue-Bottle-Flies began to
buzz at once in a sumptuous and sonorous manner,
the melodious and mucilaginous sounds echoing all
over the waters, and resounding across the
tumultuous tops of the transitory titmice upon the
intervening and verdant mountains with a serene and
sickly suavity only known to the truly virtuous.
The Moon was shining slobaciously from the
star-bespangled sky, while her light irrigated the
smooth and shiny sides and wings and backs of the
Blue-Bottle-Flies with a peculiar
and trivial splendor, while all Nature cheerfully
responded to the cerulean and conspicuous
circumstances.
In many long-after years, the four little
travellers looked back to that evening as one of
the happiest in all their lives; and it was already
past midnight when—the sail of the boat having been
set up by the Quangle-Wangle, the tea-kettle and
churn placed in their respective positions, and the
Pussy-Cat stationed at the helm—the children each
took a last and affectionate farewell of the
Blue-Bottle-Flies, who walked down in a body to the
water's edge to see the travellers embark.
![The Story of the Four Little Children who Went Round the World.]()
As a token of parting respect and esteem, Violet
made a courtesy quite down to the ground, and stuck
one of her few remaining parrot-tail feathers into
the back hair of the most pleasing of the
Blue-Bottle-Flies; while Slingsby, Guy, and Lionel
offered them three small boxes, containing,
respectively, black pins, dried figs, and Epsom
salts; and thus they left that happy shore forever.
Overcome by their feelings, the four little
travellers instantly jumped into the tea-kettle,
and fell fast asleep. But all along the shore, for many hours, there was
distinctly heard a sound of severely-suppressed
sobs, and of a vague multitude of living creatures
using their pocket-handkerchiefs in a subdued
simultaneous snuffle, lingering sadly along the
walloping waves as the boat sailed farther and
farther away from the Land of the Happy
Blue-Bottle-Flies.
Nothing particular occurred for some days after
these events, except that, as the travellers were
passing a low tract of sand, they perceived an
unusual and gratifying spectacle; namely, a large
number of Crabs and Crawfish—perhaps six or seven
hundred—sitting by the water-side, and endeavoring
to disentangle a vast heap of pale pink worsted,
which they moistened at intervals with a fluid
composed of lavender-water and white-wine negus.
"Can we be of any service to you, O crusty
Crabbies?" said the four children.
"Thank you kindly," said the Crabs consecutively.
"We are trying to make some worsted mittens, but do
not know how."
On which Violet, who was perfectly acquainted with
the art of mitten-making, said to the Crabs, "Do
your claws unscrew, or are they fixtures?"
"They are all made to unscrew," said the Crabs; and
forthwith they deposited a great pile of claws
close to the boat, with which Violet uncombed all
the pale pink worsted, and then made the loveliest
mittens with it you can imagine. These the Crabs,
having resumed and screwed on their claws, placed
cheerfully upon their wrists, and walked away
rapidly on their hind-legs, warbling songs with a
silvery voice and in a minor key.
After this, the four little people sailed on again
till they came to a vast and wide plain of
astonishing dimensions, on which nothing whatever
could be discovered at first; but, as the
travellers walked onward,
there appeared in the extreme and dim distance a
single object, which on a nearer approach, and on
an accurately cutaneous inspection, seemed to be
somebody in a large white wig, sitting on an
arm-chair made of sponge-cakes and oyster-shells.
"It does not quite look like a human being," said
Violet doubtfully; nor could they make out what it
really was, till the Quangle-Wangle (who had
previously been round the world) exclaimed softly
in a loud voice, "It is the co-operative
Cauliflower!"
![The Story of the Four Little Children who Went Round the World.]()
And so, in truth, it was: and they soon found that
what they had taken for an immense wig was in
reality the top of the Cauliflower; and that he had
no feet at all, being able to walk tolerably well
with a fluctuating and graceful movement on a
single cabbage-stalk,—an accomplishment which
naturally saved him the expense of stockings and
shoes.
Presently, while the whole party from the boat was
gazing at him with mingled affection and disgust,
he suddenly arose, and, in a somewhat plumdomphious
manner, hurried off towards the setting sun,—his
steps supported by two superincumbent confidential
Cucumbers, and a large number of Waterwagtails
proceeding in advance of him by three and three in
a row,—till he finally disappeared on the brink of
the western sky in a crystal cloud of sudorific
sand.
![The Story of the Four Little Children who Went Round the World.]()
So remarkable a sight, of course, impressed the
four children very deeply; and they returned
immediately to their boat with a strong sense of
undeveloped asthma and a great appetite.
Shortly after this, the travellers were obliged to
sail directly below some high overhanging rocks,
from the top of one of which a particularly odious
little boy, dressed in rose-colored knickerbockers,
and with a pewter plate upon his head, threw an
enormous pumpkin at the boat, by which it was
instantly upset.
![The Story of the Four Little Children who Went Round the World.]()
But this upsetting was of no consequence, because
all the party knew how to swim very well: and, in
fact, they preferred swimming about
till after the moon rose; when, the water growing
chilly, they sponge-taneously entered the boat.
Meanwhile the Quangle-Wangle threw back the pumpkin
with immense force, so that it hit the rocks where
the malicious little boy in rose-colored
knickerbockers was sitting; when, being quite full
of lucifer-matches, the pumpkin exploded
surreptitiously into a thousand bits; whereon the
rocks instantly took fire, and the odious little
boy became unpleasantly hotter and hotter and
hotter, till his knickerbockers were turned quite
green, and his nose was burnt off.
Two or three days after this had happened, they
came to another place, where they found nothing at
all except some wide and deep pits full of
mulberry-jam. This is the property of the tiny,
yellow-nosed Apes who abound in these districts,
and who store up the mulberry-jam for their food in
winter, when they mix it with pellucid pale
periwinkle-soup, and serve it out in wedgewood
china-bowls, which grow freely all over that part
of the country. Only one of the yellow-nosed Apes
was on the spot, and he was fast asleep; yet the
four travellers and the Quangle-Wangle and Pussy
were so terrified by the violence and sanguinary
sound of his snoring, that they merely took a small
cupful of the jam, and returned to re-embark in
their boat without delay.
What was their horror on seeing the boat (including
the churn and the tea-kettle) in the mouth of an
enormous Seeze Pyder, an
aquatic and ferocious creature truly dreadful to
behold, and, happily, only met with in those
excessive longitudes! In a moment, the beautiful
boat was bitten into fifty-five thousand million
hundred billion bits; and it instantly became quite
clear that Violet, Slingsby, Guy, and Lionel could
no longer preliminate their voyage by sea.
![The Story of the Four Little Children who Went Round the World.]()
The four travellers were therefore obliged to
resolve on pursuing their wanderings by land: and,
very fortunately, there happened to pass by at that
moment an elderly Rhinoceros, on which they seized;
and, all four mounting on his back,—the
Quangle-Wangle sitting on his horn, and holding on
by his ears, and the Pussy-Cat swinging at the end
of his tail,—they set off, having only four small
beans and three pounds of mashed potatoes to last
through their whole journey.
![The Story of the Four Little Children who Went Round the World.]()
They were, however, able to catch numbers of the
chickens and turkeys and other birds who
incessantly alighted on the head of the Rhinoceros
for the purpose of gathering the seeds of the
rhododendron-plants which grew there; and these
creatures they cooked in the most translucent and
satisfactory manner by means of a fire lighted on the end of the Rhinoceros's
back. A crowd of Kangaroos and gigantic Cranes
accompanied them, from feelings of curiosity and
complacency; so that they were never at a loss for
company, and went onward, as it were, in a sort of
profuse and triumphant procession.
Thus in less than eighteen weeks they all arrived
safely at home, where they were received by their
admiring relatives with joy tempered with contempt,
and where they finally resolved to carry out the
rest of their travelling-plans at some more
favorable opportunity.
As for the Rhinoceros, in token of their grateful
adherence, they had him killed and stuffed
directly, and then set him up outside the door of
their father's house as a diaphanous doorscraper.
![The Story of the Four Little Children who Went Round the World.]()
THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN FAMILIES OF THE LAKE
PIPPLE-POPPLE.
CHAPTER I.
INTRODUCTORY.
In former days,—that is to say, once upon a
time,—there lived in the Land of Gramble-Blamble
seven families. They lived by the side of the
great Lake Pipple-Popple (one of the seven
families, indeed, lived in the lake),
and on the outskirts of the city of Tosh, which,
excepting when it was quite dark, they could see
plainly. The names of all these places you have
probably heard of; and you have only not to look
in your geography-books to find out all about
them.
Now, the seven families who lived on the borders
of the great Lake Pipple-Popple were as follows
in the next chapter.
CHAPTER II.
THE SEVEN FAMILIES.
There was a family of two old Parrots and seven
young Parrots.
![parrots]()
There was a family of two old Storks and seven
young Storks.
![storks]()
There was a family of two old Geese and seven
young Geese.
![geese]()
There was a family of two old Owls and seven
young Owls.
![owls]()
There was a family of two old Guinea Pigs and
seven young Guinea Pigs.
![guinea pigs]()
There was a family of two old Cats and seven
young Cats.
![cats]()
And there was a family of two
old Fishes and seven young Fishes.
![fishes]()
CHAPTER III.
THE HABITS OF THE SEVEN FAMILIES.
The Parrots lived upon the Soffsky-Poffsky trees,
which were beautiful to behold, and covered with
blue leaves; and they fed upon fruit, artichokes,
and striped beetles.
The Storks walked in and out of the Lake
Pipple-Popple, and ate frogs for breakfast, and
buttered toast for tea; but on account of the
extreme length of their legs they could not sit
down, and so they walked about continually.
The Geese, having webs to their feet, caught
quantities of flies, which they ate for dinner.
The Owls anxiously looked after mice, which they
caught, and made into sago-puddings.
The Guinea Pigs toddled about the gardens, and
ate lettuces and Cheshire cheese.
The Cats sate still in the
sunshine, and fed upon sponge biscuits.
The Fishes lived in the lake, and fed chiefly on
boiled periwinkles.
And all these seven families lived together in
the utmost fun and felicity.
CHAPTER IV.
THE CHILDREN OF THE SEVEN FAMILIES ARE SENT AWAY.
One day all the seven fathers and the seven
mothers of the seven families agreed that they
would send their children out to see the world.
So they called them all together, and gave them
each eight shillings and some good advice, some
chocolate-drops, and a small green morocco
pocket-book to set down their expenses in.
They then particularly entreated them not to
quarrel; and all the parents sent off their
children with a parting injunction.
"If," said the old Parrots, "you find a cherry,
do not fight about who should have it."
"And," said the old Storks, "if you find a frog,
divide it carefully into seven bits, but on no
account quarrel about it."
And the old Geese said to the seven young Geese,
"Whatever you do, be sure you do not touch a
plum-pudding flea."
And the old Owls said, "If you find a mouse, tear
him up into seven slices, and eat him cheerfully,
but without quarrelling."
And the old Guinea Pigs said, "Have a care that
you eat your lettuces, should you find any, not
greedily, but calmly."
And the old Cats said, "Be particularly careful
not to meddle with a clangle-wangle if you should
see one."
And the old Fishes said, "Above
all things, avoid eating a blue boss-woss; for
they do not agree with fishes, and give them a
pain in their toes."
So all the children of each family thanked their
parents; and, making in all forty-nine polite
bows, they went into the wide world.
CHAPTER V.
THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG PARROTS.
The seven young Parrots had not gone far, when
they saw a tree with a single cherry on it, which
the oldest Parrot picked instantly; but the other
six, being extremely hungry, tried to get it
also. On which all the seven began to fight; and
they scuffled,
and huffled, and ruffled, and
shuffled, and
puffled, and
muffled, and
buffled, and
duffled, and
fluffled, and
guffled, and bruffled,
and screamed, and
shrieked, and squealed, and squeaked, and
clawed, and snapped, and bit, and bumped, and
thumped, and dumped, and flumped each other, till
they were all torn into little bits; and at last
there was nothing left to record this painful incident except the
cherry and seven small green feathers.
And that was the vicious and voluble end of the
seven young Parrots.
![The History of the Seven Families of the Lake Pipple-Popple.]()
CHAPTER VI.
THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG STORKS.
When the seven young Storks set out, they walked
or flew for fourteen weeks in a straight line,
and for six weeks more in a crooked one; and
after that they ran as hard as they could for one
hundred and eight miles; and after that they
stood still, and made a himmeltanious
chatter-clatter-blattery noise with their bills.
About the same time they perceived a large frog,
spotted with green, and with a sky-blue stripe
under each ear.
So, being hungry, they immediately flew at him,
and were going to divide him into seven pieces,
when they began to quarrel as to which of his
legs should be taken off first. One said this,
and another said that; and while they were all
quarrelling, the frog hopped
away. And when they saw that he was gone, they
began to chatter-clatter,
blatter-platter,
patter-blatter,
matter-clatter,
flatter-quatter, more
violently than ever; and after they had fought
for a week, they pecked each other all to little
pieces, so that at last nothing was left of any
of them except their bills.
And that was the end of the seven young Storks.
![The History of the Seven Families of the Lake Pipple-Popple.]()
CHAPTER VII.
THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG GEESE.
When the seven young Geese began to travel, they
went over a large plain, on which there was but
one tree, and that was, a very bad one.
So four of them went up to the top of it, and
looked about them; while the other three waddled
up and down, and repeated poetry, and their last
six lessons in arithmetic, geography, and
cookery.
Presently they perceived, a long way off, an
object of the most interesting and obese
appearance, having a perfectly round body exactly
resembling a boiled plum-pudding, with two little
wings, and a beak, and three feathers growing out
of his head, and only one leg.
So, after a time, all the seven young Geese said
to each other, "Beyond all doubt this beast must
be a Plum-pudding Flea!"
On which they incautiously began to sing aloud,
"Plum-pudding Flea,
Plum-pudding Flea,
Wherever you be,
Oh! come to our tree,
And listen, oh! listen, oh!
listen to me!"
And no sooner had they sung this verse than the
Plum-pudding Flea began to hop and skip on his
one leg with the most dreadful velocity, and came
straight to the tree, where he stopped, and
looked about him in a vacant and voluminous
manner.
On which the seven young Geese were greatly
alarmed, and all of a tremble-bemble: so one of
them put out his long neck, and just touched him
with the tip of his bill; but no sooner had he
done this than the Plum-pudding Flea skipped and
hopped about more and more, and higher and
higher; after which he opened his mouth, and, to
the great surprise and indignation of the seven
Geese, began to bark so loudly and furiously and
terribly, that they were
totally unable to bear the noise; and by degrees
every one of them suddenly tumbled down quite
dead.
So that was the end of the seven young Geese.
![The History of the Seven Families of the Lake Pipple-Popple.]()
CHAPTER VIII.
THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG OWLS.
When the seven young Owls set out, they sate
every now and then on the branches of old trees,
and never went far at one time.
And one night, when it was quite dark, they
thought they heard a mouse; but, as the gas-lamps
were not lighted, they could not see him.
So they called out, "Is that a mouse?"
On which a mouse answered, "Squeaky-peeky-weeky!
yes, it is!"
And immediately all the young Owls threw
themselves off the tree, meaning to alight on the
ground; but they did not perceive that there was
a large well below them, into which they all fell
superficially, and were
every one of them drowned in less than half a
minute.
So that was the end of the seven young Owls.
![The History of the Seven Families of the Lake Pipple-Popple.]()
CHAPTER IX.
THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG GUINEA PIGS.
The seven young Guinea Pigs went into a garden
full of goose-berry-bushes and tiggory-trees,
under one of which they fell asleep. When they
awoke, they saw a large lettuce, which had grown
out of the ground while they had been sleeping,
and which had an immense number of green leaves.
At which they all exclaimed,—
"Lettuce! O lettuce
Let us, O let us,
O lettuce-leaves,
O let us leave this tree, and eat
Lettuce, O let us, lettuce-leaves!"
And instantly the seven young Guinea Pigs rushed
with such extreme force against the
lettuce-plant, and hit their heads so vividly
against its stalk, that the concussion brought on
directly an incipient transitional inflammation
of their noses, which grew worse and worse and
worse and worse, till it incidentally killed them
all seven.
And that was the end of the seven young Guinea
Pigs.
![The History of the Seven Families of the Lake Pipple-Popple.]()
CHAPTER X.
THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG CATS.
The seven young Cats set off on their travels
with great delight and rapacity. But, on coming
to the top of a high hill, they perceived at a
long distance off a Clangle-Wangle (or, as it is
more properly written, Clangel-Wangel); and, in
spite of the warning they had had, they ran
straight up to it.
(Now, the Clangle-Wangle is a most dangerous and
delusive beast, and by no means commonly to be
met with. They live in the water as well as on
land, using their long tail as a sail when in the
former element. Their speed is extreme; but their
habits of life are domestic and superfluous, and
their general demeanor pensive and pellucid. On summer evenings, they
may sometimes be observed near the Lake
Pipple-Popple, standing on their heads, and
humming their national melodies. They subsist
entirely on vegetables, excepting when they eat
veal or mutton or pork or beef or fish or
saltpetre.)
The moment the Clangle-Wangle saw the seven young
Cats approach, he ran away; and as he ran
straight on for four months, and the Cats, though
they continued to run, could never overtake him,
they all gradually died of fatigue and
exhaustion, and never afterwards recovered.
And this was the end of the seven young Cats.
![The History of the Seven Families of the Lake Pipple-Popple.]()
CHAPTER XI.
THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG FISHES.
The seven young Fishes swam across the Lake
Pipple-Popple, and into the river, and into the
ocean; where, most unhappily for them, they saw,
on the fifteenth day of their travels, a
bright-blue Boss-Woss, and instantly swam after
him. But the Blue Boss-Woss plunged into a
perpendicular,
spicular, orbicular, quadrangular, circular depth of soft mud; where,
in fact, his house was.
And the seven young Fishes,
swimming with great and uncomfortable velocity,
plunged also into the mud quite against their
will, and, not being accustomed to it, were all
suffocated in a very short period.
And that was the end of the seven young Fishes.
![The History of the Seven Families of the Lake Pipple-Popple.]()
CHAPTER XII.
CHAPTER XII.
OF WHAT OCCURRED SUBSEQUENTLY.
After it was known that the
seven young Parrots, and
the seven young Storks,
and the seven young Geese,
and the seven young Owls,
and the seven young Guinea Pigs,
and the seven young Cats,
and the seven young Fishes,
were all dead, then the Frog, and the
Plum-pudding Flea, and the Mouse, and the
Clangle-Wangle, and the Blue Boss-Woss, all met
together to rejoice over their good fortune. And
they collected the seven feathers of the seven
young Parrots, and the seven bills of the seven young Storks, and the
lettuce, and the cherry; and having placed the
latter on the lettuce, and the other objects in a
circular arrangement at their base, they danced a
hornpipe round all these memorials until they
were quite tired; after which they gave a
tea-party, and a garden-party, and a ball, and a
concert, and then returned to their respective
homes full of joy and respect, sympathy,
satisfaction, and disgust.
![The History of the Seven Families of the Lake Pipple-Popple.]()
CHAPTER XIII.
OF WHAT BECAME OF THE PARENTS OF THE FORTY-NINE
CHILDREN.
BUT when the two old Parrots,
and the two old Storks,
and the two old Geese,
and the two old Owls,
and the two old Guinea
Pigs, and the two old
Cats, and the two old
Fishes, became
aware, by reading in the newspapers, of the
calamitous extinction of the whole of their
families, they refused all further sustenance;
and, sending out to various shops, they purchased
great quantities of Cayenne pepper and brandy and
vinegar and blue sealing-wax, besides seven
immense glass bottles with air-tight stoppers.
And, having done this, they ate a light supper of
brown-bread and Jerusalem artichokes, and took an
affecting and formal leave of the whole of their
acquaintance, which was very numerous and
distinguished and select and responsible and
ridiculous.
CHAPTER XIV.
CONCLUSION.
And after this they filled the bottles with the
ingredients for pickling, and each couple jumped
into a separate bottle; by which effort, of
course, they all died immediately, and became
thoroughly pickled in a few minutes; having
previously made their wills (by the assistance of
the most eminent lawyers of the district), in
which they left strict orders that the stoppers
of the seven bottles should be carefully sealed
up with the blue sealing-wax they had purchased;
and that they themselves, in the bottles, should
be presented to the principal museum of the city
of Tosh, to be labelled with parchment or any
other anti-congenial succedaneum, and to be
placed on a marble table with silver-gilt legs,
for the daily inspection and contemplation, and
for the perpetual benefit, of the pusillanimous
public.
And if you ever happen to go to Gramble-Blamble,
and visit that museum in the city of Tosh, look
for them on the ninety-eighth table in the four hundred and
twenty-seventh room of the right-hand corridor of
the left wing of the central quadrangle of that
magnificent building; for, if you do not, you
certainly will not see them.
![The History of the Seven Families of the Lake Pipple-Popple.]()
NONSENSE COOKERY.
-
![The Owl and The Pussy-cat]()
THE OWL AND THE PUSSY-CAT.
I.
The Owl and
the Pussy-Cat went to sea
In a beautiful pea-green
boat: They took some honey, and
plenty of money
Wrapped up in a five-pound
note. The Owl looked up to the stars
above,
And sang to a small
guitar, "O lovely Pussy, O Pussy, my
love,
What a beautiful Pussy you
are, You
are, You
are! What a
beautiful Pussy you are!"
II.
Pussy said to the Owl, "You elegant
fowl,
How charmingly sweet you
sing! Oh! let us be married; too
long we have tarried:
But what shall we do for a
ring?" They sailed away, for a year
and a day,
To the land where the
bong-tree grows; And there in a wood
a Piggy-wig stood,
With a ring at the end of
his nose, His
nose, His
nose, With a ring
at the end of his nose.
![The Owl and the Pussy-cat]()
III.
"Dear Pig, are you willing to sell for one
shilling
Your ring?" Said the
Piggy, "I will." So they took it
away, and were married next day
By the Turkey who lives on
the hill.
They dined on
mince and slices of quince,
Which they ate with a
runcible spoon; And hand in hand, on
the edge of the sand,
They danced by the light
of the moon, The
moon, The
moon, They danced
by the light of the moon.
![The Owl and the Pussy-cat]()
|
![Bottlephorkia Spoonifolia.]()
Bottlephorkia Spoonifolia.
|
|
![Cockatooca Superba.]()
Cockatooca Superba.
|
![Fishia Marina.]()
Fishia Marina.
|
|
![Guittara Pensilis.]()
Guittara Pensilis.
|
![Manypeeplia Upsidownia.]()
Manypeeplia Upsidownia.
|
|
![Phattfacia Stupenda.]()
Phattfacia Stupenda.
|
![Piggiwiggia Pyramidalis.]()
Piggiwiggia Pyramidalis.
|
|
![Plumbunnia Nutritiosa.]()
Plumbunnia Nutritiosa.
|
![Pollybirdia Singularis.]()
Pollybirdia Singularis.
|
|
B
![book]()
|
B was a
book
With a binding of blue,
And pictures and stories
For me and for you.
|
b
Nice little book!
|
